Frequently Asked Questions About The War On Terror
OR
Everything You Wanted To Know
About WMDs
But Were afraid To Ask
With Special Agent Matt Karger
of the Department of Dangerous Irony
If you have never heard of the Department
of Dangerous Irony, then it's because
it's perhaps the best-kept secret of Australian espionage.
The Department is older than ASIO, ASIS, and the Office of National
Assessments.
Some say it arrived with Captain Cook. In truth, it is older than the idea of
government itself, let alone government departments.
This sub-sub-branch of military intelligence is represented on its official
stationery with what looks like an upside-down anchor. Consequently, it is
often
mistakenly assumed be to be part of naval intelligence.
The point of the matter is that this tiny department has, through oversights
and
vicious budget cuts--become nothing more than a curiosity. We have been less
responsible for actual intelligence work, than we have been for organizing the
ASIO Office Christmas party.
Specifically, we make the punch.
Until earlier this year, that is, when the under-funded agents of DODI were
commissioned to write this report by the Foreign Minister--a White Paper on
Terrorism we have called How To Fight Terror.
Sadly, the most recent Federal Budget saw no increase in funding for DODI.
And since we can no longer stomach the idea of eating home made lunch in the
broom cupboard while our inter-agency colleagues play computer games in the
National Threat Assessment Centre, we have decided to protest by leaking this
long-awaited report to selected dissidents, in the hope that they will publish
it illegally on the Internet.
If it's good enough for the ONA, or the people at The
Bulletin, then it's good
enough for us.
While our report may be controversial, it contains honest and straight-forward
advice for everybody. We hope all Australians find in its pages the comfort and
solace they will need to play their part in The War On Terror.
How To Fight Terror
Contents:
How To Be
Alert
How To Be Alarmed
How To Be Relaxed
How To Be Comfortable
How To Be A Leader
How To
Be Alert
How can I be alert
without being paranoid?
During last year's National Security Campaign, Australians received An
Important
Letter From The Prime Minister.
In it, he explained how we could help protect
ringing the National Security Hot line in the event that we saw something
suspicious. But what exactly counts as suspicious?
'normal'. It is the people who are not acting
suspiciously who should be
regarded as truly worrisome.
Therefore people acting naturally should be reported to the authorities
immediately.
On the other hand, the terrorists have probably thought of this as well.
So if you see anybody is acting conspicuously suspicious--that is, unnaturally
unnatural-- you should report them too.
How Long Will The War
Last?
Try to think of The War On Terror as a game of Test
Cricket.
It might finish quickly, or it might go on for
a very long time, without either
side achieving an actual
result.
Regardless of the duration, we can expect endless interviews and plenty of
meaningless statistics.
How Can I Help
When the Coalition of the Willing ‘invaded’
hapless people their liberty.
But in a completely unexpected development,
new Oil Crisis:
Consequently, we must all do our share to get rid of it.
Above all, we must embrace unnecessary travel.
Upper-middle-class women must drive their expensive 4WD vehicles on actual dirt
tracks.
Carpool whenever possible! If you have more than one car, and your neighbour
catches the train every day, then let him drive your spare car instead.
Avoid public transport at all costs.
Unless you are a bus driver.
How To
Be Alarmed
How Do I Know When It’s
Safe to Open The Mail?
Many can still recall the halcyon days before the American Anthrax Scare, when
postmen would go crazy and kill people instead if the other way around.
Nowadays your Christmas cards are liable to be laced with the Ebola virus or
worse.
Therefore, "it is appropriate that people handling mail remain vigilant
and
cautious at this time, but it should be remembered that most reports of
suspicious packages are false alarms."
Or so it says in the Handling of Mail and Packages Fact Sheet provided by the
If you are not too afraid to open the envelope it comes in.
What Is The Missile
Defense Shield?
Critics of the proposed Missile Defense Shield have wrongly referred to it as
Star Wars II. They are seriously mistaken.
The Old Missile Shield
Ronald Reagan's original Star Wars program placed
American cities as celebrity human shields. President Reagan knew that despite
their irrational hatred for
actors and game show hosts lived.
Would the strategic victory of obliterating
the cost of inadvertently killing Danny Bonnaducci
from
The Partridge Family?
It was this logic that won
Sadly, Australian Government advisers withdrew their support for our own Star
Wars Program in the late Nineteen Eighties, because of our lack of genuine
celebrities.
Darryl Sommers could not be placed in
the Red Army from nuking it, if the Soviets had never seen an episode of Hey!
Hey! It's Saturday!
Come to think of it…
The New Missile Shield
The New Missile Shield fires missiles at missiles fired at us by countries
intimidated by our Missile Defense Shield.
How Should I Vote At The
Next Election?
Carefully.
How Do I Vote Labor?
See “How Do I Vote Liberal?”
How Do I Vote Liberal?
See “How Do I Vote Labor?”
How To Be Relaxed
How Can I Relax?
If Terror leaves you feeling uptight, take your cue from the ex-Federal
Immigration Minister. He managed to maintain an ice-cool, almost deathly calm
in
the media hot seat before being promoted to Attorney General
His secret? A product bought over the phone from the Parliament House Home
Shopping Network:
ACUPUNCTURE
FLAGS OF THE WORLD!
Above: Federal
Attorney General Ruddock has
veritable United Nations on his back!
How Can I Fly Safely?
9/11 demonstrated to the world how dangerous irony could be. It was the
increased security measures of American airports which made getting a bomb on a
plane so difficult.
Dangerous Irony:
We stopped the terrorists from putting bombs onto airplanes so they turned the
planes into bombs.
In the DODI Handbook of Standard Operating Procedure, guideline b.8.2 states:
"Invariably, the final solution to
the problem of how to neutralize the cause of
a dangerous irony is always simple--it
is just a complicated business finding it."
Governments have tried biometrics, fingerprinting and holographic photo I.D.s. But we simply
do not have enough manpower to stop every penknife and every pair
of nail clippers from sneaking through the X-ray machines.
Just ask my cousin Larry, who so hated his fifteen years working in a shoe
store, that he quit to become an airport security guard. Now he spends all day
taking people's shoes off and checking them for bombs.
Unfortunately, extreme situations demand extreme measures. The
solution? Replace
airport novels around the world with stocks of Bryce Courtenay's
The Potato
Factory. In-flight reading that terrible may seem abhorrent, but surely even
members of Al Qaeda* have their limits.
*(Please note the media's insistence on multiple spellings of this terrorist
organization's name. It has been variously spelt as Al Qaeda,
al Q'aida, al
Qaeda, Al-Qaeda and Al-Q'aida.
Some have referred to it simply as 'Qaeda' - but this
sounds too much like the
nickname of somebody you play mixed netball with.
The strategy behind this systematic misspelling is to infuriate Osama bin Laden
until he feels compelled to write an angry letter to the editor of a major
newspaper--thus inadvertently revealing his address to the authorities.
Plan B is to raise the reward on his head until it's so tempting that he turns
himself in for the money.)
How To Be Comfortable
How Can I Make Myself
Comfortable?
Invest in real estate.
(Note To Poor People: The Liberal Party has decided to
do something about the
gap between the Rich and the Poor. It is going to make it bigger.)
Where Can I Find Justice?
“Whether we bring our enemies to justice, or bring justice to our enemies,
justice will be done.”
George W. Bush,
When
them. Careful examination of any world atlas reveals that there are two kinds
of
Justice in
The
around three hundred, and is not ideally suited to detain the likes of Osama bin
Laden or Mullah Omar. Perhaps the people of nearby Ike’s Fork can help with the
catering.
In any case, the Village board meets on the 2nd and 4th of every month. It has
a
lot of planning to do.
The other kind of Justice is a town of twelve thousand people, situated near
staging show trials hosted by Jerry Springer and Oprah Winfrey, who make their
own programs there.
Justice: hard to find
without glasses.
(Note: Copies of the Road Map to Peace are available at petrol stations.)
How To Be A Leader
What happened to the
Governor-General?
Prime Minister Howard wisely gave the job of Governor-General to an ex-Army
man.
And the G-G has used his Special Air Force training to keep an impeccably
low profile.
We do not know what he looks like. If he does not give many speeches, it is
because it is hard to talk with a balaclava on your head.
He prefers helicopters to limousines. Other dignitaries use doors--our G-G
abseils from the roof.
His ninja-like stealth means he can be in and out of public functions in a
matter of seconds.
In a recent surprise attack, he opened a new hospital before it had even been
built.
Governor-General, your sterling work will not be forgotten, even if your name
has been. Give yourself a medal!
What happened to the
Prime Minister’s eyebrows?
The PM's Eyebrows
What Prime Minister Howard lacks in charisma he makes up for in eyebrows…
Eyebrows that have exerted a bizarre reverse voodoo on his opponents' political
fortunes.
For before his ascension, Mr. Howard had eyebrows so hairy they were
indistinguishable from each other.
Conversely, the difference between the Liberal and Labor parties could not be
more obvious.
The young John
Howard: happy to let small birds nest in his eyebrows.
Flash forward eight years, and we observe that the careful grooming that comes
with being PM has left Mr. Howard with two distinct eyebrows.
At the same time, the distance between the Liberal and Labor parties' election
platforms is now so small as to make them exactly the
same!
Thanks to the PM's magical eyebrows and a lackluster
Opposition Leader, the Australian political spectrum has become a sad, grey
mono-brow.
If only Labor had been waxing its own hairs, instead of
splitting them.
How To Save The
Australian Broadcasting Corporation
How Can The ABC Survive
In A Commercial Environment?
ABC Television has a reputation for high-quality programming and journalistic
integrity. But what’s the point in being impartial if you can’t win the
ratings?
It should give up scrutinizing the work of our hard-working leaders and
concentrate on getting bums on seats.
Thanks to a new Free Trade Agreement with Uncle Sam, the following programs
will
be available to Australian viewers for the first time. Write to the ABC’s
Managing Director immediately, and demand that he purchase the following
exciting programs.
Big Blubber
Ten Sumo wrestlers stranded on a desert island must eat nothing but dead whale
for a week.
This Is Your Fault!
Guilt-ridden version of This Is Your Life in which
celebrities are confronted by
the people whose lives they have ruined on the way to the top.
Last Meals
inmates on death row. If the food doesn’t kill them, the lethal injections
will.
Patrol Boat
Technically an Australian show, and a repeat. Fans can only wonder why it isn’t
shown anymore.
If you have any questions about this FAQ, or even joining the Department of
Dangerous Irony, contact the author at:
“Lastly, an age
reaches a dangerous condition of irony with regard to itself,
and the still more dangerous state of
cynicism, when a cunning egoistic theory
of action is matured that maims and at last
destroys the vital strength.”
Friedrich Nietzsche, The Use And Abuse Of History.